This is the first part of a special three-part series written by Noelle, who made an adoption plan for her son 20 years ago. She reached out to share her personal experience through pregnancy, choosing an adoptive family, giving birth, open adoption and her relationship with her son, hoping it will help others in their journeys.
Start from the beginning: Read Part One
If you are pregnant and considering placing your child for adoption, we hope that Noelle’s story brings you comfort and reassurance. We understand that this time can be incredibly challenging, and it’s natural to feel scared and uncertain about the future. These feelings show how much you care and that you’re seeking the best path forward.
Noelle reached out to share her story, hoping to support others in similar situations. When asked what she would want someone in her shoes to know, she said, “I would want them to know there is relief ahead. As alone as I felt, after I started working with Spence-Chapin, I felt I had a resource, and I didn’t feel any pressure after that. It’s such a personal decision. You should feel secure in your decision and know WHY you are making this decision. For me, it was very spiritual… my hardest experience was also my greatest blessing.”
If you are pregnant or have recently given birth and want to explore your options, including adoption, we are here to listen and help. Please call us at 1-800-321-5683 or text us at 646-306-2586.
Part Three: Learning and Living Through Open Adoption
About a month after placement, we had our first post-adoption visit at the agency. I’d gotten pictures and emails prior to that meeting and I was so excited every time I received their mail. We decided our first meeting should be at the agency since we were still in the early stages of our relationship, but after that meeting, we felt comfortable going to each other’s houses and making our own arrangements outside of the agency.
Mary Alyce is a social worker and was sensitive to all parties involved in an open adoption. We both understood how vital it was to be honest and open with Luke. I felt truly blessed to find such understanding, open, loving people to place my child with. We were all on the same page as to what we thought was best for him and we all agreed that the more people who love him, the better.
From then on, things flowed naturally. We didn’t follow a set plan of when to meet up or send updates; we just kept in touch and made things up as we went along. I was finishing up college and they had their busy lives, so we made plans around what worked with our schedules. Our first Christmas Eve was spent together at their house, which started a tradition we keep every year. We spent his birthdays together, went to museums, zoos, attended his sports games, or just hung out at their house. It was natural and easy.
My favorite tradition that they started was the “Birth family BBQ” they had every summer. My family and their daughter’s birth family would all go to their house for a beautiful BBQ. I come from a large family so my parents, siblings, nieces, nephews, cousins, aunts, etc. would all come. It was always such a beautiful experience; love overflowed.
As Luke approached his teenage years, as expected, he spent more time with friends, wasn’t as talkative, and wasn’t the little boy who just wanted to play when I came over anymore. I never took it personally as I understood this was a normal part of his development. After I got married and started a new family, my feelings for Luke and his adoptive family never changed. They visited me in the hospital after each of my kids were born, and we carried on our tradition of spending Christmas Eve together.
However, through the years I always worried about how I would tell Luke about his biological father. I knew I’d be honest and wouldn’t hide anything, but also had to explain things to him in an age-appropriate way. Mary Alyce and John knew this was a difficult subject for me and would gently ask Luke from time to time if he had any questions about his birth father. He always said “no” until last summer when he was 19. He asked Mary Alyce to see a picture of him. She reached out to me first and we found a picture to show him.
I nearly had a panic attack just looking at his picture, as it brought back so many unpleasant memories. Luke didn’t have much to say after she showed him the picture – just a few basic questions. I saw it as my opportunity to tell him (now that he was older and expressed some curiosity) that if he ever had any questions about anything, I am always here.
Now, I’m navigating a new hurdle – how to explain the situation to my four younger sons. They know Mary Alyce and John and Luke as our close friends (almost like aunt and uncle and cousin) but they don’t know that Luke is their half-brother whom I placed with for adoption. I’ve been unsure how to explain everything since they are so young, and since the questions have never arisen, I guess I’ve been avoiding it.
Very recently, my oldest casually asked, “Why do you have a picture of Luke on your dresser too?” I have pictures of my four other sons on my dresser as well. Caught off guard, I responded, “Well, Mary Alyce gave me the picture and I love him too, so I thought my dresser was a good spot for it.” Addressing this is a weight on my shoulders, and I know I will have to have the conversation with them sooner rather than later.
I’ve watched Luke, my first son, grow up and develop into the man he is today. Looking back at the situation I was in 20 years ago and seeing where we’re all at now is beyond anything I could have imagined. I’ve learned so much about myself and life that I’m not sure I would have if I hadn’t gone through this.
I’ve learned to be thankful for joy and pain—as they both teach you. I’ve learned to listen to the voice inside you—your gut—and not all the external noise. And most importantly, I’ve learned to try my absolute hardest to live life through the lenses of love and empathy for all.
Make sure to read part one 同 part two of Noelle’s journey where she discusses her pregnancy, giving birth, and choosing an adoptive family for her son.
When asked what she would want someone in her shoes to know, Noelle said, “I would want them to know there is relief ahead. As alone as I felt, after I started working with Spence-Chapin, I felt I had a resource, and I didn’t feel any pressure after that. [Placing a child for adoption is] such a personal decision. You should feel secure in your decision and know WHY you are making this decision. For me, it was very spiritual… my hardest experience was also my greatest blessing.”
Spence-Chapin offers comprehensive support services in making an adoption plan, and lifelong support for birth parents. If you have any questions, please contact us at [email protected].