This is the first part of a special three-part series written by Noelle, who made an adoption plan for her son 20 years ago. She reached out to share her personal experience through pregnancy, choosing an adoptive family, giving birth, open adoption and her relationship with her son, hoping it will help others in their journeys.
Noelle’s story is a powerful reminder of the profound impact of support and understanding in the adoption journey. She reached out to share her experience, hoping it brings comfort to anyone navigating the complexities of adoption. When asked what she would want someone in her shoes to know, she said, “I would want them to know there is relief ahead. As alone as I felt, after I started working with Spence-Chapin, I felt I had a resource, and I didn’t feel any pressure after that. [Placing a child for adoption is] such a personal decision. You should feel secure in your decision and know WHY you are making this decision. For me, it was very spiritual… my hardest experience was also my greatest blessing.”
No matter what your connection to adoption is, hearing these personal journeys can provide valuable perspective and comfort. We recognize the emotional complexities and challenges that come with adoption and are here to offer support. To talk through our services, please call us at 212-369-0300.
Part One: Where it All Started
As a mom of four young boys, I’m deep in the “the days are long, but the years are short” phase. But… there’s also the son I gave birth to nearly 20 years ago.
What a strange dichotomy—for something to feel so long ago, but also like it just happened. Our lives are so different, but the feeling I had when I first learned of my first baby’s existence is completely the same: pure, unconditional love. And the strength… oh, the strength it gave me.
What did life look like that day in November 2003—when my past, present, and future flooded my head? It was lonely… dark… painful… and chaotic. You wouldn’t know it from the outside looking in. I was 19, a junior in college, excelling and on track to get my bachelor’s degree in nursing.
My body gave me all the signs. I tried to explain them away. But there I was—pregnant by a man twice my age. He was controlling, manipulative, jealous, emotionally and physically abusive, a convicted felon… And I felt trapped for 3 years.
Panic set in… I frantically searched online for help, for options, for anything to tell me this wasn’t really happening. I had already learned as a teenager how to pretend that EVERYTHING IS FINE. Pretending turned into escaping with drugs and alcohol—not enough to raise too many red flags, but enough to slowly break me down and solidify these unhealthy coping mechanisms. I had also learned that if I did well in school and kept under the radar, no one really questioned me. So, I did what I knew. I shut off the panic of my pregnancy until all my schoolwork was done, until it hit me at night as I lay in bed alone… feeling my belly grow.
A week or two after finding out I was pregnant, I made my decision. With tears running down my face, I stared at myself in the mirror and said,
“I clearly don’t love myself right now, but I WILL love this baby and do whatever I need to do to give it the best chance in this world.”
I decided that this man who had wreaked such havoc and pain in my life—who already had other children with multiple women—would NOT be the man my child calls “Daddy.”
Was I going to battle him in family court for child support, visitation, etc.? I knew raising the baby by myself would be nearly impossible: I didn’t have a job, and I lived with my parents. Is this a life I could handle or WILLINGLY CHOOSE for myself and my child? I knew the answers to these questions, and so, with clarity, I made the decision to place my child for adoption. I didn’t know how hard it would be, but I knew this was what I had to do.
My strength started to build—we were a team. We were on a mission to find the best family, to give my baby the best chance at life and free ourselves from the man who broke me down for years. Most people didn’t understand my decision, especially the people I hung out with in college, but this only made me stronger. It forced me to learn one of life’s most important lessons—don’t care what other people think or say about you, even if some of those people are your family. At the end of the day, I am the one who has to look myself and God in the mirror and be okay with my decisions.
Thankfully, my mom and dad were very supportive of me and showed me great love, albeit they were completely shocked as they didn’t even know the guy I was impregnated by existed.
Revealing my past and current situation was so freeing and took away a lot of his power over me. I started feeling relief as my secrets were exposed and I grew mentally stronger every day.
My next battle would be telling HIM my plans. He already knew I was pregnant and was even kind of excited. How was I going to get him on board with adoption?! I felt tremendous pressure to not mess this up, to make things go as smoothly as possible as I was already under enough stress. Even though I couldn’t stand being with this man, I had to play nice. He was absolutely against it right off the bat—no surprise there. Remaining calm, kind, and strong was crucial. I told him I understood his feelings but reminded him of the circumstances in both of our lives at that point. It took time, but he slowly and reluctantly accepted that I wasn’t changing my mind.
Each part of this journey felt like a mountain I had to climb over. My next one was the largest and most important one of all—finding the right couple.
Come back for parts two and three to hear about how Noelle chose the adoptive family for her son, and what her experience with open adoption has been.
When asked what she would want someone in her shoes to know, Noelle said, “I would want them to know there is relief ahead. As alone as I felt, after I started working with Spence-Chapin, I felt I had a resource, and I didn’t feel any pressure after that. [Placing a child for adoption is] such a personal decision. You should feel secure in your decision and know WHY you are making this decision. For me, it was very spiritual… my hardest experience was also my greatest blessing.”
Spence-Chapin offers comprehensive support services in making an adoption plan, and lifelong support for birth parents. If you have any questions, please contact us at [email protected].
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