This is the first part of a special three-part series written by Noelle, who made an adoption plan for her son 20 years ago. She reached out to share her personal experience through pregnancy, choosing an adoptive family, giving birth, open adoption and her relationship with her son, hoping it will help others in their journeys.
Noelle’s story is a powerful reminder of the profound impact of support and understanding in the adoption journey. She reached out to share her experience, hoping it brings comfort to anyone navigating the complexities of adoption. When asked what she would want someone in her shoes to know, she said, “I would want them to know there is relief ahead. As alone as I felt, after I started working with Spence-Chapin, I felt I had a resource, and I didn’t feel any pressure after that. [Placing a child for adoption is] such a personal decision. You should feel secure in your decision and know WHY you are making this decision. For me, it was very spiritual… my hardest experience was also my greatest blessing.”
No matter what your connection to adoption is, hearing these personal journeys can provide valuable perspective and comfort. We recognize the emotional complexities and challenges that come with adoption and are here to offer support. To talk through our services, please call us at 212-369-0300.
Part Two: Finding the Perfect Family
Deciding to place my child for adoption was hard enough, but finding a family seemed even harder. Deep down I dreamed of a world where I could raise him, but I knew those ideal circumstances weren’t possible. My mission was to find the family that would raise him as I would if I could. This was the biggest decision of my life, and I knew I had to be 100% sure of who I chose.
I started my search by looking at ads in the newspaper and searching online for adoption agencies. I set up meetings with two different agencies. Both agencies seemed overly focused on my child’s race above all else, which really turned me off. My son’s background is African American, Italian, and Irish, and I was only presented with three interracial families between both agencies. For me, it was more important to find a family with similar values, regardless of their race. I felt extremely limited by their assumptions and decided not to work with either agency.
My mother then suggested that I look into Spence-Chapin. She had known of them from her days as a nurse at St. Vincent’s Hospital back in the 60’s. The fact that they had been around for almost 100 years brought me great comfort—I thought they must know what they’re doing!
From the first meeting with my Spence-Chapin social worker, Amy, I felt relief. I felt safe—like I was in the right hands. She listened to my situation and explained to me all that the agency had to offer without any judgment or pressure. It was here I first learned what an open adoption is, and I knew it was the right fit for me.
Next, I searched through a book of couples and individuals looking to adopt. Nothing clicked or felt right. I highlighted one or two, but I knew in my heart they weren’t the ones. Amy understood and kept working to find the right family for me. Time felt like it was flying, and I was getting more worried that I’d end up settling on a couple I wasn’t 100% sure about.
Then in April, the stars aligned. By pure chance, a couple who had previously adopted with Spence-Chapin mentioned to their social worker that they were interested in adopting again. Amy told me she thought they might be a good fit. The couple, Mary Alyce and John, both grew up on LI and still lived there with their daughter. They reminded me of my siblings–they seemed so familiar, just like regular people to me. I was cautiously excited.
What stood out the most to me was how thoughtful and understanding they were towards me and the decision I was making.
They made me a book filled with photos and descriptions of their family along with a beautiful heartfelt letter. In it, one of the first things they mentioned was that their first date was on 12/14, my birthday! Some may see it as a coincidence, but to me, it was the first of many signs that this was meant to be. (Later, we even found out that John’s mom and my dad went to the same grammar school in Brooklyn!) With tears in my eyes, I knew I had found them. This was the couple!
Getting ready to meet them in person for the first time was nerve-wracking—almost like a blind date—but once we met, my nerves went away immediately, and I felt at ease. I was greeted with their warm, loving, and kind energy.
They brought their beautiful daughter with them and I loved seeing how gentle and affectionate they were with her. I also liked that they had a good sense of humor. The conversation flowed and over the next hour we found out more about each other. They felt like family! We talked about the open adoption with their daughter’s birthmother and what openness could look like for us. The ability to be a part of my son’s life was a dream come true! I never wanted him to question my love, so hearing I could be present in his life and able to answer any questions was such a comfort. I left that meeting feeling very emotional, but with an overwhelming sense of peace.
Suddenly it was July, and my due date was fast approaching. I told the adoptive family I would love for them to be present at the birth; I wanted my son to know his parents were there from the very beginning. After a long, slow labor I ended up having a C-section. My mom and sister were with me throughout the delivery and kept John and Mary Alyce informed every step of the way, via text and phone calls.
Then, finally, he was here! They sutured me up, checked him out, and took him to the nursery where he was held by his parents for the first time!
I was moved by the beautiful name they chose for him, especially when I saw that they included the name I had originally considered for his middle name.
For the next three days, I spent almost every minute with new baby Luke. I thought about breastfeeding at first but didn’t want that to be taken away from him abruptly, so I opted for bottle feed. I changed him, fed him, held him on my chest as he slept, and kept him in the room with me the whole time. I wanted to soak up my time with him, knowing that the greatest pain was still to come.
The mother-child bond was immediate and grew so strong. The emotions were indescribable, the number of tears immeasurable. I cried so much, I made some of the hospital staff uncomfortable. But I’m human. These were normal responses to the life altering decision I was making. I thought, “I should be sad; I should be crying!” This didn’t mean I was doubting my decision—just that I was grieving. Grieving before I even physically parted with him.
The day finally came, and my baby and I were discharged from the hospital. My parents drove us to the agency where the adoptive parents were waiting. We had lunch and spent time together, with the signing of papers weaved into the experience, ever so thoughtfully. When it was time to say good-bye, I was crying but held back the full-on sobbing. I handed Luke over to his adoptive parents and felt the loss immediately. Somehow, through the pain, I felt love. The love, kindness, and sensitivity of all the people surrounding me—social workers, my parents, and the couple who have now become a part of my family. As we parted ways that day, driving home and looking out the window, I wondered how soon I could see them again.
Thankfully, it was not long, not long at all.
Read part one of this series here. Come back for part three to hear about Noelle’s experience with open adoption.
When asked what she would want someone in her shoes to know, Noelle said, “I would want them to know there is relief ahead. As alone as I felt, after I started working with Spence-Chapin, I felt I had a resource, and I didn’t feel any pressure after that. [Placing a child for adoption is] such a personal decision. You should feel secure in your decision and know WHY you are making this decision. For me, it was very spiritual… my hardest experience was also my greatest blessing.”
Spence-Chapin offers comprehensive support services in making an adoption plan, and lifelong support for birth parents. If you have any questions, please contact us at [email protected].
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