“The way our family came to be is outside of what I ever thought, or envisioned, for myself. Adoption was never something that I had thought much about, especially when it came with growing my own family. But, when I reflect, I am so thankful that my family has been built in this way. It has been built perfectly and beautifully- better than I could have ever anticipated or dreamed of for myself.
Adoption came into my and my husband’s life after struggling with infertility for several years after the birth of our son. It led us to adopt a 3-year-old girl from Ethiopia, our daughter Elsa.
After seeing the immense need of so many children who did not have a family, we knew we would one day adopt again. After a few years, we brought our son, Asher, home from South Africa. He was 2.5 years old. Soon after, we learned we were pregnant! Our children are now ages 10, 8, 4, and 1.
As a parent to two biological children, and two internationally adopted children, I have to say that it feels completely normal to me. I often forget that our family unit may be very different from those around us.
Adopting our children has brought me the exact same feelings as having my biological children has. Feelings of immense love, joy, protection, hope for their future, and worry (of course) about if I am doing this parenting thing right. Being a parent is a roller coaster ride – with so many emotions and ups and downs. Any child, no matter what their origin, brings the same parenting concerns.
One thing that being an adoptive mom has taught me, is that I need to be well-versed in trauma informed parenting. No matter what the circumstance, or special need, or what age a child is when they are adopted, they all have experienced great trauma in being separated from their family of origin. Having adopted children means disciplining differently. Parenting two children who have had very difficult beginnings is not easy, by any means. I feel that educating myself, and implementing a different approach to disciplining and parenting, is something every adoptive parent needs to commit to. Plus, I believe that learning these amazing parenting techniques has helped me to be a better mom to all my kids.
Having a biological child after adopting has brought up some big conversations with my kids about first families, what we call “tummy mommies and tummy daddies” – and what it means to have a parent. It has been an incredible experience to walk alongside my children as they each process their own story.
Having two African children brings a completely new perspective to our family. My entire world view has changed because of knowing my adopted children. The course of my life, the course of my husband’s life, of our biological kids’ lives, and of our extended family’s lives, have been opened to a new viewpoint through our adoptive children. We are all blessed to know Elsa and Asher and have changed for the better because of them.
Because of Elsa and Asher, my life is rich and full in ways I never would have experienced. My family is Ethiopian and South African. I have gained two beautiful and diverse cultures. My family includes their heritage in each of our lives through music, food, and most amazingly, through the incredible African community we have met here, who are now like family.
We have traveled to Africa several times since starting the adoption process, and we even had a month-long stay together as a family in South Africa. The memories we made there will be cherished forever, and the kids talk about our experiences there often.
Being a mother to both biological and adoptive children is an incredible experience that I wish more people might consider. For me, it has formed the most beautiful family I could ever imagine.”
Learn more about Spence-Chapin’s International Adoption Programs here.
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